A few weeks ago, I received my TimmyBear from an organization called Molly Bears. Molly Bears provides weighted bears, free of charge, to families who have lost babies at any time during pregnancy or up to one year old. We lost our precious Timmy when I was 38 weeks pregnant. The waiting list is long and it can take 12-18 months for a family to receive their baby bear.
I received mine on Timmy's due date the year after we lost him.
Teddy bears are usually soft and squishy, but not TimmyBear. TimmyBear weighs 6 lbs, 10 oz. He is heavy for a stuffed bear and that's exactly the point. Timmy weighed the same amount when he was born. I remember holding him. I remember all the emotions of that terrible day incredibly well. It was not a good day, but I have never regretted holding him in my arms and spending time with his flesh.
I can no longer hold my baby. I had to say goodbye to his body on that same day. I have a picture of Timmy that the nurses took while they were dressing him for us. I can see his head and his shoulders. There is something about this picture that makes me want to scoop him up, right off the page, and squeeze him tighter than I have every squeezed anyone. But I can't. It's just a picture.
But you know what I did as soon I took TimmyBear out of his box? I squeezed him tighter than I have ever squeezed anyone. I squeezed him and squeezed him, and I let go a little. I let go of some of the anger that I have been carrying around with me. I let go of the tight grip that I have had around my emotions, always trying to figure out how I agoing to feel before I actually feel it. I let go a little. And I smiled. I smiled the entire next day as I sat at work and thought about TimmyBear. I thought about how I could finally place these hugs somewhere that I have been saving for Timmy when I meet him. I still have plenty for him and I may never let go once I meet him, but just as love never runs out, neither do my hugs. I can hold TimmyBear when I'm feeling sad. I can hug TimmyBear when I want to send one to Timmy. We can finally take that family photo I've been putting off because something is missing. Don't get me wrong, there is still a noticable hole in my family and I wish above all other wishes that there was something I could do to change that. But now I have a representative for Timmy, nowhere near the real thing but the best we can do for now.
Molly Bears is a wonderful organization dedicated to bringing a little comfort to families who have lost a precious baby. I encourage you to spread the word for Molly Bears. All bears are sent to families free of charge, so the more awareness we can create, the more families they can help.
TimmyBear came with his bowtie and the star and bottlecap on his feet. I dressed him in this sweater that I knitted for Timmy. What a handsome bear!