introducing . . . TimmyBear

A few weeks ago, I received my TimmyBear from an organization called Molly Bears.  Molly Bears provides weighted bears, free of charge, to families who have lost babies at any time during pregnancy or up to one year old.  We lost our precious Timmy when I was 38 weeks pregnant.  The waiting list is long and it can take 12-18 months for a family to receive their baby bear.

I received mine on Timmy's due date the year after we lost him.

Teddy bears are usually soft and squishy, but not TimmyBear.  TimmyBear weighs 6 lbs, 10 oz.  He is heavy for a stuffed bear and that's exactly the point.  Timmy weighed the same amount when he was born.  I remember holding him.  I remember all the emotions of that terrible day incredibly well.  It was not a good day, but I have never regretted holding him in my arms and spending time with his flesh.

I can no longer hold my baby.  I had to say goodbye to his body on that same day.  I have a picture of Timmy that the nurses took while they were dressing him for us.  I can see his head and his shoulders.  There is something about this picture that makes me want to scoop him up, right off the page, and squeeze him tighter than I have every squeezed anyone.  But I can't.  It's just a picture.

But you know what I did as soon I took TimmyBear out of his box?  I squeezed him tighter than I have ever squeezed anyone.  I squeezed him and squeezed him, and I let go a little.  I let go of some of the anger that I have been carrying around with me.  I let go of the tight grip that I have had around my emotions, always trying to figure out how I agoing to feel before I actually feel it.  I let go a little.  And I smiled.  I smiled the entire next day as I sat at work and thought about TimmyBear.  I thought about how I could finally place these hugs somewhere that I have been saving for Timmy when I meet him.  I still have plenty for him and I may never let go once I meet him, but just as love never runs out, neither do my hugs.  I can hold TimmyBear when I'm feeling sad.  I can hug TimmyBear when I want to send one to Timmy.  We can finally take that family photo I've been putting off because something is missing.  Don't get me wrong, there is still a noticable hole in my family and I wish above all other wishes that there was something I could do to change that.  But now I have a representative for Timmy, nowhere near the real thing but the best we can do for now.

Molly Bears is a wonderful organization dedicated to bringing a little comfort to families who have lost a precious baby.  I encourage you to spread the word for Molly Bears.  All bears are sent to families free of charge, so the more awareness we can create, the more families they can help.

www.mollybears.com



TimmyBear came with his bowtie and the star and bottlecap on his feet.  I dressed him in this sweater that I knitted for Timmy.  What a handsome bear!

a memory pillow

It has been 6 months . . .

I'm not sure what else to say.  Some of these months have been the worst of my life.  But I have prayed for strength nearly every day. 

Father, please provide me the strength to get through today and the courage to love others.

He has delivered.  I still struggle through some days and I get angry with myself sometimes.  I don't do well in a cloud of depair.  I am a happy person and I avoid situations that make me feel otherwise.  But some days the weight of the sadness hits me so hard.  I try to cry out the emotion, but it doesn't work.  Sometimes it lingers for an extra day or two . . . and then it's gone for a while.

I struggle more with the 'courage to love others' part.  People can be insensitive even when they have the best intentions.  We all get wrapped up in ourselves sometimes and we forget or don't consider how our actions or words will affect another.  I have little patience for people at these times, but He is helping me work on it.

I cried when I finished this pillow.  It's just hard knowing what the pillow represents: the memory of precious love lost to me, not forever, but for now.  But the pillow makes me smile whenever I see it.  The colors are fun and vibrant.  And, of course, I love to see his name. 

faith.hope.love.  Through this lens, this world is a much better place.

rigid beanie

I knitted this hat without a pattern.  Hats are my sanctuary.  They are so quick, and you can customize each one to make it different than the last.  I just wish you could wear them all year.  Then I would have a justification for all the hats I've been making lately.

Both yarns are a wool blend.  I love the colors in the contrast yarn.  I tried to showcase the multicolored yarn by alternating knit and purl rows in the round (which would be garter stitch if I had knit it flat) and I like the results.  From the right side, the ridges make the colors pop.  And I think that the gray blends into the background, leaving the fun colors in the contrasting yarn for the spotlight.

I used the same crown shaping as with this hat.  I really enjoy the look of this shaping, and it keeps me interested while I'm knitting.  I never get bored with it.

When I try this again, I will make it a little longer.  This hat is more of a beanie and that's not what I was going for.  It still looks nice and fits well, but I like my hats with a little more depth to be able to pull down further over my ears when it gets windy.  Probably another inch of stockinette after the contrasting garter ridges would be perfect!

Here is the general pattern guideline for worsted weight yarn:

Main color (MC): I used Lion Brand Wool-Ease worsted in gray.
Contrast color (CC): I used Sensations It's A Wrap bulky in purple/rose.

Cast on 80 stitches in CC for adult sized hat & join to work in the round.
Change to MC.
Knit 2x2 rib for 2 inches.
Knit stockinette in MC for 1 inch.
Change to CC.
Knit one round.
Purl one round.
Alternate knit and purl rounds for 3 inches.  Be sure to end with a purl row.
Change to MC.
Knit stockinette for 1 inch.
Shape crown as desired.

Next time, I might try these changes:
1/2 inch stockinette in main color before ridges instead of 1 inch
3 inches stockinette in main color after ridges before decreasing


yarn name: Lion Brand Wool-Ease (main), Sensations It's A Wrap (contrast)
yarn type: 80% acrylic, 20% wool (main);  75% nylon, 25% wool (contrast)
colorway: Gray (main); Purple/Rose (contrast)
yardage: ~100 yards (main); ~30 yards (contrast)
needle size: US 8 (5.0mm) circular and double-pointed

knitting therapy

After a loss like we've experienced, how do you get back to doing the things you loved doing before the loss?  One part of you wants to get back to the stuff you enjoy doing because it makes you happy and gives you something else to think about in the midst of tragedy.  Another part of you opposes that happy feeling because any feeling other than sadness is a betrayal to the one you lost.

But even though you are stuck in the mud and can't move anywhere, the rest of the world continues to move.  People return to their lives after a brief sympathetic encounter with you and you begin to wonder how others can possibly laugh with each other when there is enough grief in your heart to pass around the room a million times. 

But this is what people do.  We move forward.  The world keeps spinning and the time continues to tick along as if it's unaware of what just happened to you.

Eventually you make the decision to slowly move along with everything else.  And for me, slowly is the key.  I have to be careful not to throw myself into work, business or personal.  I want to give myself time to fully grieve and I'm afraid I won't have time for grief if I fill my time with too many projects.  I've read a small bit about some women finding comfort in knitting where the thoughts are able to gently float around and perhaps even organize themselves through the rhythmic motions of the needles.  So knitting has been my grief craft of choice because it's a quiet craft and I can bring it to any room in the house to be near my family.

This Kami Hat that I found on Ravelry was the perfect first project.  It's just a bunch of stockinette stitch with a few purls placed in there for good measure.  I didn't need to think much while knitting this so my mind was free to think about Timmy.

There were a few times during this project that I felt angry.  During those times my knitting was a little tighter and I even felt myself banging the needles together and throwing the yarn around the needle with a little more force.  Although I don't enjoy being angry, I welcomed all emotions and just let myself feel whatever came.

 

When the hat was complete, I had an unexpected reaction.  Usually I feel a sense of accomplishment when I finish something as would most people.  But this time I cried.  I had no idea why at the time.  I just felt sad.  Although I'm sure my perception of those moments will improve over time, I think the tears had something to do with realizing that knitting the hat wasn't going to bring Timmy back.  It's not that I ever thought while knitting that if I could only finish the hat that things would be different.  Those thoughts didn't consciously occur to me.

I think the sense of accomplishment was missing because I realized that completing the project didn't change anything.  It didn't change how I felt about losing Timmy and it didn't change that Timmy was gone.  So what was the point?  Why did I spend so much time knitting if it really didn't matter?  It felt like a huge waste of time.  I had no idea what else I would have done with the time, but knitting seemed like a waste of it and I felt ashamed for wasting time on something that didn't matter.

My husband tries to tell me that Timmy would want me to do the things that I love doing.  I know this is true.  If it was me up there watching over the family, I would want them to do what brought them joy.  So I have no doubt that Timmy would want the same and might even enjoy watching me create things while thinking of him.

I hope the sadness at the end of a project will subside over time.  I certainly plan to face this feeling head on, and I hope that someday I can look up to Heaven and smile when I've completed a project knowing that doing what you love is never a waste of time and that Timmy would be proud of me.

our third son

Exactly two weeks ago on Friday September 7, 2012, I gave birth to my third son, Timothy Grayson. We already knew at that time that we had lost him just a few days earlier.

On Tuesday of that week, just one day prior to my 36 week appointment, I grew concerned as the evening progressed and I didn't feel any movement.  Convinced I was being paranoid, I waited until after my other two sons were in bed.  I drank some juice, lay on the bed, crouched on all fours, and finally shoved my belly around trying to get him to wake up, but nothing worked.  I soon called the doctor and we arrived at the hospital around 10:30pm.

And then the unspeakable words were spoken after about 20 minutes of both listening and visually searching: "I'm so sorry, but I can't find a heartbeat."  What?  How could that be possible?  This baby was the most active baby I've had the opportunity to create and he had the most strength.  How could it all just stop?  What did I do?  What should I have done?  Too many questions and zero answers.

Instead of inducing immediately like my doctor suggested, my husband and I decided to go home that night.  It was after 11pm and we had no way to contact the neighbor who had nicely agreed to stay with the boys while we went to the hospital.  It was Logan's first day of first grade on Wednesday and Trent's preschool orientation was scheduled for Thursday.  But the real reason we didn't induce that night was because I couldn't do it.  I couldn't process what had happened.  How could anyone?  I was already nervous about labor and now I was expected to go through that pain knowing what was waiting on the other end?  I wouldn't hear my baby cry or see him look at me or feel him squeeze my finger.  I wouldn't be able to take him home to his brothers where they were anxiously waiting for their new sibling, and they would be such amazing big brothers.  I just couldn't face all that reality.

So on Friday, my husband, mother, and I returned to the hospital at 6am to start the induction of our angel.  At 7:49pm, Timmy arrived, a beautifully perfect angel.  The doctor told us that his umbilical cord had gotten tied in a knot and that it was wrapped around his neck; I don't believe either of these is always a concern, but the two together and position of the knot can make a difference.

After the doctors cleaned and dressed him, we spent several hours with our angel baby, holding him, kissing him, and telling him how much we loved him.  Many people cried.  I vomited.  I was overwhelmed with so many emotions including anger at myself that I wasn't crying.  I was devastated, but I just couldn't make the tears flow.  I was worried about my 6-year-old who was disturbed by the red color around Timmy's closed eyes.  I wasn't prepared for Timmy's look either, so I understood Logan's emotions.  But Trent seemed okay and kept trying to steal looks at his new baby brother.

When others had gone home that evening, my husband and I kept Timmy a little longer.  We took more pictures, talked to him, and just loved him for as long as we were physically able.  I dreaded goodbye but I was so tired both from physical and emotional exhaustion.  We said goodbye to Timmy around 10:30pm.  That was the hardest goodbye I have ever had to say.  My husband took my mom back to our house.  They moved me to a new room away from the maternity ward.  Then I cried.  My husband returned shortly after to stay the night with me and I continued to cry in his arms.  I cried for Timmy.  I knew he was safe in Heaven, but I mourned the loss of not only an innocent life but the loss of all my hopes and dreams for that life.  There would forever be an emptiness in my life and in my heart, and I cried knowing that I would never be able to fill it.

I gave the eulogy at my son's funeral, and I only cried at the very end.  We have received so much support from family, hospital staff, and friends that I met through both church and work.  I am convinced that if God knew this was going to happen that he has been preparing us for the last year by putting these people in our lives.  God blessed us with the strength and courage to make the decisions no parent should ever have to make, and He did this because so many people have praised Him by praying for us.

Thank you, God, for these people and their support and thank you for answering their prayers.  Thank you for Timmy, a gift and a blessing, however short we were able to touch him.  He will be forever in our hearts and on our minds.  We will love him forever and miss him always, until we get to meet him again when we join him in your Kingdom.