introducing . . . TimmyBear

A few weeks ago, I received my TimmyBear from an organization called Molly Bears.  Molly Bears provides weighted bears, free of charge, to families who have lost babies at any time during pregnancy or up to one year old.  We lost our precious Timmy when I was 38 weeks pregnant.  The waiting list is long and it can take 12-18 months for a family to receive their baby bear.

I received mine on Timmy's due date the year after we lost him.

Teddy bears are usually soft and squishy, but not TimmyBear.  TimmyBear weighs 6 lbs, 10 oz.  He is heavy for a stuffed bear and that's exactly the point.  Timmy weighed the same amount when he was born.  I remember holding him.  I remember all the emotions of that terrible day incredibly well.  It was not a good day, but I have never regretted holding him in my arms and spending time with his flesh.

I can no longer hold my baby.  I had to say goodbye to his body on that same day.  I have a picture of Timmy that the nurses took while they were dressing him for us.  I can see his head and his shoulders.  There is something about this picture that makes me want to scoop him up, right off the page, and squeeze him tighter than I have every squeezed anyone.  But I can't.  It's just a picture.

But you know what I did as soon I took TimmyBear out of his box?  I squeezed him tighter than I have ever squeezed anyone.  I squeezed him and squeezed him, and I let go a little.  I let go of some of the anger that I have been carrying around with me.  I let go of the tight grip that I have had around my emotions, always trying to figure out how I agoing to feel before I actually feel it.  I let go a little.  And I smiled.  I smiled the entire next day as I sat at work and thought about TimmyBear.  I thought about how I could finally place these hugs somewhere that I have been saving for Timmy when I meet him.  I still have plenty for him and I may never let go once I meet him, but just as love never runs out, neither do my hugs.  I can hold TimmyBear when I'm feeling sad.  I can hug TimmyBear when I want to send one to Timmy.  We can finally take that family photo I've been putting off because something is missing.  Don't get me wrong, there is still a noticable hole in my family and I wish above all other wishes that there was something I could do to change that.  But now I have a representative for Timmy, nowhere near the real thing but the best we can do for now.

Molly Bears is a wonderful organization dedicated to bringing a little comfort to families who have lost a precious baby.  I encourage you to spread the word for Molly Bears.  All bears are sent to families free of charge, so the more awareness we can create, the more families they can help.

www.mollybears.com



TimmyBear came with his bowtie and the star and bottlecap on his feet.  I dressed him in this sweater that I knitted for Timmy.  What a handsome bear!

my comfort cardigan

I finished it.  My first adult-sized knit cardigan.  I started this project in early October with some early birthday money that my dad gave me.  The hub took me to a local yarn shop (turns out it wasn't as local as I thought) and I bought 5 skeins of this Dried Plum Berroco Vintage yarn.  This was an exciting project for me all around because it was only about my second time at a real yarn shop and my first time buying more than 2 skeins of yarn at once.

I am also happy with myself because this is the first project since we lost Timmy that I didn't cry after I was finished.  I think that I would cry because I felt like all the time that I spent while I was knitting, being content just to sit there with my needles and work on a project while my mind steadily analyzed my feelings, was just a waste of time.  I was happy while the project was in progress, but once I was finished it didn't change anything.  I still missed my little boy and there was nothing I could do to make the raw pain go away.

But this time I didn't cry.  This time I was so excited to have a cardigan that I knit myself.  I've been wearing it every day with a smile since I finished.  It was quite a surprise to me that I actually felt happy to be done.  I expected the sadness to rush in again and overtake my accomplishment, but it didn't this time.  I am grateful to my glorious Lord for providing me this strength and filling me with peace.  I decided to make this cardigan to comfort to myself.  Whenever I wear it I will think of Timmy.  Whenever I want to think of Timmy, I will wear it.

I used the free Buttony pattern on Ravelry for this cardigan.  The asymmetrical button band adds interested to an otherwise boring stockinette cardigan.  I love that it fits me just right because it was made just for me.  I was able to try it on while I worked so I could make sure that I had my measurements just right.

I tried to add a stockinette neck to the top, but it just didn't look right.  I couldn't get the moss stitch that I included on the very top to lay properly, so I folded the neck over and stitched it in place.  This gave me a taylored collar kind of look and I love it.

It has been a lovely and peaceful birthday.  I hope Timmy is smiling at me today.  I love you, pumpkin.
 

 

yarn name: Berroco Vintage
yarn type: 50% acrylic, 40% wool, 10% nylon
colorway: Dried Plum
yardage: ~900 yards worsted
needle size: US 8 (5.0mm) circular and double-pointed

rigid beanie

I knitted this hat without a pattern.  Hats are my sanctuary.  They are so quick, and you can customize each one to make it different than the last.  I just wish you could wear them all year.  Then I would have a justification for all the hats I've been making lately.

Both yarns are a wool blend.  I love the colors in the contrast yarn.  I tried to showcase the multicolored yarn by alternating knit and purl rows in the round (which would be garter stitch if I had knit it flat) and I like the results.  From the right side, the ridges make the colors pop.  And I think that the gray blends into the background, leaving the fun colors in the contrasting yarn for the spotlight.

I used the same crown shaping as with this hat.  I really enjoy the look of this shaping, and it keeps me interested while I'm knitting.  I never get bored with it.

When I try this again, I will make it a little longer.  This hat is more of a beanie and that's not what I was going for.  It still looks nice and fits well, but I like my hats with a little more depth to be able to pull down further over my ears when it gets windy.  Probably another inch of stockinette after the contrasting garter ridges would be perfect!

Here is the general pattern guideline for worsted weight yarn:

Main color (MC): I used Lion Brand Wool-Ease worsted in gray.
Contrast color (CC): I used Sensations It's A Wrap bulky in purple/rose.

Cast on 80 stitches in CC for adult sized hat & join to work in the round.
Change to MC.
Knit 2x2 rib for 2 inches.
Knit stockinette in MC for 1 inch.
Change to CC.
Knit one round.
Purl one round.
Alternate knit and purl rounds for 3 inches.  Be sure to end with a purl row.
Change to MC.
Knit stockinette for 1 inch.
Shape crown as desired.

Next time, I might try these changes:
1/2 inch stockinette in main color before ridges instead of 1 inch
3 inches stockinette in main color after ridges before decreasing


yarn name: Lion Brand Wool-Ease (main), Sensations It's A Wrap (contrast)
yarn type: 80% acrylic, 20% wool (main);  75% nylon, 25% wool (contrast)
colorway: Gray (main); Purple/Rose (contrast)
yardage: ~100 yards (main); ~30 yards (contrast)
needle size: US 8 (5.0mm) circular and double-pointed

knitting therapy

After a loss like we've experienced, how do you get back to doing the things you loved doing before the loss?  One part of you wants to get back to the stuff you enjoy doing because it makes you happy and gives you something else to think about in the midst of tragedy.  Another part of you opposes that happy feeling because any feeling other than sadness is a betrayal to the one you lost.

But even though you are stuck in the mud and can't move anywhere, the rest of the world continues to move.  People return to their lives after a brief sympathetic encounter with you and you begin to wonder how others can possibly laugh with each other when there is enough grief in your heart to pass around the room a million times. 

But this is what people do.  We move forward.  The world keeps spinning and the time continues to tick along as if it's unaware of what just happened to you.

Eventually you make the decision to slowly move along with everything else.  And for me, slowly is the key.  I have to be careful not to throw myself into work, business or personal.  I want to give myself time to fully grieve and I'm afraid I won't have time for grief if I fill my time with too many projects.  I've read a small bit about some women finding comfort in knitting where the thoughts are able to gently float around and perhaps even organize themselves through the rhythmic motions of the needles.  So knitting has been my grief craft of choice because it's a quiet craft and I can bring it to any room in the house to be near my family.

This Kami Hat that I found on Ravelry was the perfect first project.  It's just a bunch of stockinette stitch with a few purls placed in there for good measure.  I didn't need to think much while knitting this so my mind was free to think about Timmy.

There were a few times during this project that I felt angry.  During those times my knitting was a little tighter and I even felt myself banging the needles together and throwing the yarn around the needle with a little more force.  Although I don't enjoy being angry, I welcomed all emotions and just let myself feel whatever came.

 

When the hat was complete, I had an unexpected reaction.  Usually I feel a sense of accomplishment when I finish something as would most people.  But this time I cried.  I had no idea why at the time.  I just felt sad.  Although I'm sure my perception of those moments will improve over time, I think the tears had something to do with realizing that knitting the hat wasn't going to bring Timmy back.  It's not that I ever thought while knitting that if I could only finish the hat that things would be different.  Those thoughts didn't consciously occur to me.

I think the sense of accomplishment was missing because I realized that completing the project didn't change anything.  It didn't change how I felt about losing Timmy and it didn't change that Timmy was gone.  So what was the point?  Why did I spend so much time knitting if it really didn't matter?  It felt like a huge waste of time.  I had no idea what else I would have done with the time, but knitting seemed like a waste of it and I felt ashamed for wasting time on something that didn't matter.

My husband tries to tell me that Timmy would want me to do the things that I love doing.  I know this is true.  If it was me up there watching over the family, I would want them to do what brought them joy.  So I have no doubt that Timmy would want the same and might even enjoy watching me create things while thinking of him.

I hope the sadness at the end of a project will subside over time.  I certainly plan to face this feeling head on, and I hope that someday I can look up to Heaven and smile when I've completed a project knowing that doing what you love is never a waste of time and that Timmy would be proud of me.